Becoming a Mom

I can remember the moment I became a mother for the first time as if it were yesterday. I remember walking into the main doors of the hospital, holding hands with my husband, both of us in complete silence. My mind was racing, my heart was pounding, and I honestly could not believe this moment was actually real. As the elevator door opened on the 3rd floor, we were greeted by our social worker, who would lead us to the hospital room that our baby was in. My hands were so shaky I could barely open the door to enter the room. As I took my first step into room 307, my eyes instantly found my precious son. He was wrapped tightly in a white hospital swaddle – with only his head exposed. Jayce’s birth mom was holding him, but my attention was only on him. Without removing my eyes from this beautiful miracle, she asked me, “do you want to hold him?”. I couldn’t find the words, so I just nodded. Thinking about our first moment together, the emotions I felt then, always come back in present time. It was as if no one else in that room existed, just me and my precious son. I couldn’t stop staring at him, trying to hold back immense tears in hopes to not upset the birth mom. I remember finally looking up, and fixing my eyes on my husband, who you could tell was overcome by emotion. I didn’t want this moment to end, but I knew it was time for Drew to meet the son he always dreamed of. 

Every piece of that moment is so beautiful to me, but I’d be lying if I said it was the exact way I pictured those first moments with my child.  Prior to our adoption journey, I always imagined what it would look like and feel like when I became a Mom for the first time. Every time my mind would drift off to that moment, the scene was always the same. I would be laying in a hospital bed, with the doctor and nurse supporting my delivery. My husband would be by my head, holding my hand, and giving me all his love and encouragement. It was always a beautiful fall day, with rays of sun peaking through the hospital curtains. Once our baby was delivered, he/she would be placed on my chest, I would look into their eyes – the love would be overwhelming, the connection would be instant. 

Like most experiences in life, they often do not go as planned or as envisioned. Sometimes for the better…sometimes for worse. My experience becoming a Mom for the first time was no exception.

Drew and I were restlessly standing in line at Cora’s (a breakfast restaurant), trying to keep our minds occupied on something else. The last update I received was that the birth mom received an epidural around midnight, and was waiting to be fully dilated before she could start pushing. As we were standing in line, wondering if Jayce had been born, or how things were going, I couldn’t help myself and texted the birth Dad. 

Me: “Just checking in to see how things are going”

Him: “Born when you sent that message. 10:10am”

I had texted the birth Dad at the exact moment (to the minute) that Jayce was born. I still get goosebumps at the thought of it. 

We did not get the chance to meet Jayce until approximately 4pm later that afternoon. Those 6 hours between Jayce being born, and us having the chance to meet him, were some of the hardest 6 hours of my life. Drew kept reassuring me that we had waited over 5 years for this moment…what was 6 more hours. It felt like forever. 

As I sit and reflect on those first moments, I begin to realize the similarities between my initial vision and what it actually looked like. My husband was holding my hand, giving me all his love. It was a beautiful fall day, with rays of sun peaking through the hospital curtains. The moment Jayce was placed into my arms, I looked into his eyes – the love was so overwhelming, the connection was instant. 

This moment was exactly how it was meant to be, and it was more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.

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